THE FUN THINGS - HUMOR IN A DARK TIME

Much of these articles have focused on the theme of saving money or making do with alternate means.  Another necessary activity during difficult times is maintaining morale.  Many customary sources of satisfaction and pleasure are unavailable or curtailed, and there is no shortage of opportunities for discouragement.  To keep my spirits up, I find humor not only inexpensive, but easily portable and requiring no special tools or utilities.

For me, humor can be as simple as a well turned phrase.  Say we are driving along and observe someone doing something unsafe and foolish in their vehicle. Rather than be upset and shout 'What a stupid idiot' as is commonly done, I will turn to my fellow passengers and remark something like, "Now there's a person who knows how to keep his fellow drivers both awake and alert!"

Or we may see some person blundering about on a very simple and easy task.  The usual response might be 'What a poor wretch! I'm glad I'm not them.'  Instead, I breath a short prayer like "Dear God, grant that person the rare and beautiful miracles of both intelligence and common sense. (And if that's not to be, make them an export commodity!)"

One of the personal qualities I find quite arduous to develop is patience.  This is compounded by my engineering training which makes me jealous of every waking moment and fanatical in looking for a way to use every minute purposefully.  So, standing in line is particularly irksome. However, I've found a good way to use that opportunity.

For invariably I'm standing next to at least one other person, usually one who understands and speaks my native tongue, English. Voila!  A captive audience.  I can practice public speaking?  And what sort of speaking are nearly all people open to hearing?  Jokes and funny stories!

So, I have memorized a vast number of jokes to use on such occasions and practice them regularly to achieve a fine, professional polish on my delivery.  Typically, my approach goes as follows.  When I observe about six or more people ahead of me I calculate that there's time for a joke or two. Then I comment out loud, "It looks like we'll be here awhile, anyone knows a good joke or funny story?"

Sometimes a person will volunteer something and I'll learn a new joke.  For example, a fellow had this to tell just yesterday:

THE DON AND THE WATCH

A mafia don was on his deathbed and called his oldest son to his side.

"Guido," he says, "my time has come and soon you will be in charge of the family business."

"Yes father," replied the son.

"I want to give you something that I've kept near to me all these years so you'll always remember me."

"What do you want to give me papa?" he said.

The old man reaches under his pillow and pulls out a beautiful, nickel plated Model 1911 .45 caliber semi-auto pistol. "Here," he says with a slight cough, "take it.  It's a man's gun and will bring you respect.  A man needs respect in our business."

The son looks thoughtfully at the pistol, but doesn't reach for it. "Papa, that's a very beautiful pistol, but I'd much rather have your Rolex."

The old man frowns and holds the pistol out for the son to take, "The watch? You want my watch instead of this?  Son, listen.  I have some advice for you."

"I'm listening."

"Someday soon you'll marry a pretty woman and then you'll have some bambinos around the house.  That's a good thing. And then someday your gonna come home and your gonna find your wife in bed with another man. That's a bad thing."

"Gee, papa..." the son starts to interrupt, looking embarrassed.

"Now, son," the old man wheezed, "what'cha gonna do wid da watch?  Point at it and tell him 'Time's up!'?"

That's typical for everyday humor.  I like something a little more thought provoking and with a moral to it.  As an engineer, I especially like engineering jokes.  One of my favorites is:

THE ENGINEER WHO WENT TO HELL.

An engineer died and by mistake, he was sent to hell instead of heaven.  A few months later an angel is checking the records when he discovers the mistake.  Shocked, the angel calls over his assistant and explains the situation.

"Go to the devil immediately,' he tells his assistant, "and demand the release of the engineer.  Come back as soon as you can!"

The assistant dashes off, but then comes back just as quickly with bad news.

"The devil won't let him go," the assistant said.

The angel groaned and getting up said, "Then I must take care of this personally!"

So the angel went directly to the devil's throne in hell and confronted him.

"Devil, the record is clear.  The engineer belongs to us.  Release him immediately!"

"No way," the devil replied, "I've only had him here a few months and he's already air conditioned the place.  In a few weeks we're due to have running water.  There's no way I could let him go."

"That's irrelevant," retorted the angel.  "If you won't cooperate, then I will take this matter to court!"

The devil looked concerned, but said nothing.  Instead he brought out a large book and looked through it quickly but carefully.  Finished, he set it down and then turned to the angel with a wicked smile.

"Now tell me angel," said the devil, "where is it you are planning to get a lawyer?"

This always gets a good laugh - even from the lawyers I've tried it on.

I also add the epilogue that the engineer was released because according to scripture Jesus Christ is our advocate.

Invariably there is someone who says they can't remember any jokes, as much as they'd like to.  So, I tell them this one that is very easy to remember:

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD IN TEXAS?

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road in Texas?

A: To prove to the armadillo it could be done!

By then the line has usually run its course and it's time to move on.

I also enjoy telling jokes to illustrate things to my children.  And love this one with a double punch line:

THE TWO FENCE BUILDERS

There were two men building a fence one day, one worked on one side while the second man worked on the other side.

For awhile they worked steadily away without any fuss.  That is, until the first man noticed the second one was throwing away half of his nails.

"Hey buddy," he called to his colleague, "why are you throwing away half of your nails?"

"Well," the second man responded, "the problem is that half of the nails in this box have the heads on the wrong ends."

The first man made a wry face and responded, "That's really stupid.  Don't you know those are for my side of the fence?"

Then there are jokes that require my special talent of using foreign accents.  I can do French, German, Scottish, English, Spanish and Russian accents.  My favorite joke to tell in the Russian accent is this one:

AN AMERICAN SPY IN A MOSCOW BAR

In the cold war days a man walks into a bar in Moscow and orders a drink.

"Nyet!" says the bartender, "Vee do not serve good Russian vodka to American spies!"

"But I am not a spy," protests the man, "do I not speak perfect Russian?"

"Da," says the barkeeper, "your Russian is better than mine.  But you are an American spy."

"I'm really not a spy," the man protests again and taking a bottle from another patron, drinks a liter of vodka in one motion. "See, I drink like a Russian."

"Da," says the bartender, "You speak like a Russian, you drink like a Russian, but you are a spy."

"Look" says the man, "I'll prove I'm Russian."  He goes to the middle of the barroom floor and performs a Cossack dance.  Then he returns to the bar and tries to order a drink.

"Nyet!" The bartender replies, "You speak like Russian, drink like Russian you even dance like a Cossack, but you are an American spy.  Get out of my bar before I call the militia."

Defeated, the man turns to leave, but stops at the door, "OK, he says in English, "how did you know I am a spy."

The bartender polishes a glass, shaking his head and looking quite disapprovingly at the man. "Meester, is really very simple.  Is no Negroes is Russia!"

Jokes aside, it's also good not to take life too seriously. If I looked at all the problems in the world from violent religious fanatics in the Middle East to corrupt politicians at home, I could feel hopeless.  I find a good remedy for that is to watch a sunset from my back yard and remeber that I live in paradise!