THE FUN THINGS - HUMOR IN A DARK TIME

Much of these articles have focused on the theme of saving money or making do with alternate means.  Another necessary activity during difficult times is maintaining morale.  Many customary sources of satisfaction and pleasure are unavailable or curtailed, and there is no shortage of opportunities for discouragement.  To keep my spirits up, I find humor not only inexpensive, but easily portable and requiring no special tools or utilities.

For me, humor can be as simple as a well turned phrase.  Say we are driving along and observe someone doing something unsafe and foolish in their vehicle. Rather than be upset and shout 'What a stupid idiot' as is commonly done, I will turn to my fellow passengers and remark something like, "Now there's a person who knows how to keep his fellow drivers both awake and alert!"

Or we may see some person blundering about on a very simple and easy task.  The usual response might be 'What a poor wretch! I'm glad I'm not them.'  Instead, I breath a short prayer like "Dear God, grant that person the rare and beautiful miracles of both intelligence and common sense. (And if that's not to be, make them an export commodity!)"

One of the personal qualities I find quite arduous to develop is patience.  This is compounded by my engineering training which makes me jealous of every waking moment and fanatical in looking for a way to use every minute purposefully.  So, standing in line is particularly irksome. However, I've found a good way to use that opportunity.

For invariably I'm standing next to at least one other person, usually one who understands and speaks my native tongue, English. Voila!  A captive audience.  I can practice public speaking?  And what sort of speaking are nearly all people open to hearing?  Jokes and funny stories!

So, I have memorized a vast number of jokes to use on such occasions and practice them regularly to achieve a fine, professional polish on my delivery.  Typically, my approach goes as follows.  When I observe about six or more people ahead of me I calculate that there's time for a joke or two. Then I comment out loud, "It looks like we'll be here awhile, anyone knows a good joke or funny story?"

Sometimes a person will volunteer something and I'll learn a new joke.  For example, a fellow had this to tell just yesterday:

THE DON AND THE WATCH

A mafia don was on his deathbed and called his oldest son to his side.

"Guido," he says, "my time has come and soon you will be in charge of the family business."

"Yes father," replied the son.

"I want to give you something that I've kept near to me all these years so you'll always remember me."

"What do you want to give me papa?" he said.

The old man reaches under his pillow and pulls out a beautiful, nickel plated Model 1911 .45 caliber semi-auto pistol. "Here," he says with a slight cough, "take it.  It's a man's gun and will bring you respect.  A man needs respect in our business."

The son looks thoughtfully at the pistol, but doesn't reach for it. "Papa, that's a very beautiful pistol, but I'd much rather have your Rolex."

The old man frowns and holds the pistol out for the son to take, "The watch? You want my watch instead of this?  Son, listen.  I have some advice for you."

"I'm listening."

"Someday soon you'll marry a pretty woman and then you'll have some bambinos around the house.  That's a good thing. And then someday your gonna come home and your gonna find your wife in bed with another man. That's a bad thing."

"Gee, papa..." the son starts to interrupt, looking embarrassed.

"Now, son," the old man wheezed, "what'cha gonna do wid da watch?  Point at it and tell him 'Time's up!'?"

That's typical for everyday humor.  I like something a little more thought provoking and with a moral to it.  As an engineer, I especially like engineering jokes.  One of my favorites is:

THE ENGINEER WHO WENT TO HELL.

An engineer died and by mistake, he was sent to hell instead of heaven.  A few months later an angel is checking the records when he discovers the mistake.  Shocked, the angel calls over his assistant and explains the situation.

"Go to the devil immediately,' he tells his assistant, "and demand the release of the engineer.  Come back as soon as you can!"

The assistant dashes off, but then comes back just as quickly with bad news.

"The devil won't let him go," the assistant said.

The angel groaned and getting up said, "Then I must take care of this personally!"

So the angel went directly to the devil's throne in hell and confronted him.

"Devil, the record is clear.  The engineer belongs to us.  Release him immediately!"

"No way," the devil replied, "I've only had him here a few months and he's already air conditioned the place.  In a few weeks we're due to have running water.  There's no way I could let him go."

"That's irrelevant," retorted the angel.  "If you won't cooperate, then I will take this matter to court!"

The devil looked concerned, but said nothing.  Instead he brought out a large book and looked through it quickly but carefully.  Finished, he set it down and then turned to the angel with a wicked smile.

"Now tell me angel," said the devil, "where is it you are planning to get a lawyer?"

This always gets a good laugh - even from the lawyers I've tried it on.

I also add the epilogue that the engineer was released because according to scripture Jesus Christ is our advocate.

Invariably there is someone who says they can't remember any jokes, as much as they'd like to.  So, I tell them this one that is very easy to remember:

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD IN TEXAS?

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road in Texas?

A: To prove to the armadillo it could be done!

By then the line has usually run its course and it's time to move on.

I also enjoy telling jokes to illustrate things to my children.  And love this one with a double punch line:

THE TWO FENCE BUILDERS

There were two men building a fence one day, one worked on one side while the second man worked on the other side.

For awhile they worked steadily away without any fuss.  That is, until the first man noticed the second one was throwing away half of his nails.

"Hey buddy," he called to his colleague, "why are you throwing away half of your nails?"

"Well," the second man responded, "the problem is that half of the nails in this box have the heads on the wrong ends."

The first man made a wry face and responded, "That's really stupid.  Don't you know those are for my side of the fence?"

Then there are jokes that require my special talent of using foreign accents.  I can do French, German, Scottish, English, Spanish and Russian accents.  My favorite joke to tell in the Russian accent is this one:

AN AMERICAN SPY IN A MOSCOW BAR

In the cold war days a man walks into a bar in Moscow and orders a drink.

"Nyet!" says the bartender, "Vee do not serve good Russian vodka to American spies!"

"But I am not a spy," protests the man, "do I not speak perfect Russian?"

"Da," says the barkeeper, "your Russian is better than mine.  But you are an American spy."

"I'm really not a spy," the man protests again and taking a bottle from another patron, drinks a liter of vodka in one motion. "See, I drink like a Russian."

"Da," says the bartender, "You speak like a Russian, you drink like a Russian, but you are a spy."

"Look" says the man, "I'll prove I'm Russian."  He goes to the middle of the barroom floor and performs a Cossack dance.  Then he returns to the bar and tries to order a drink.

"Nyet!" The bartender replies, "You speak like Russian, drink like Russian you even dance like a Cossack, but you are an American spy.  Get out of my bar before I call the militia."

Defeated, the man turns to leave, but stops at the door, "OK, he says in English, "how did you know I am a spy."

The bartender polishes a glass, shaking his head and looking quite disapprovingly at the man. "Meester, is really very simple.  Is no Negroes is Russia!"

Jokes aside, it's also good not to take life too seriously. If I looked at all the problems in the world from violent religious fanatics in the Middle East to corrupt politicians at home, I could feel hopeless.  I find a good remedy for that is to watch a sunset from my back yard and remeber that I live in paradise!

BOOK REVIEW – IN CONSTANT PRAYER

BOOK REVIEW – IN CONSTANT PRAYER

As I wrote before, I am exchanging book reviews for free books. This time I am reviewing the book, In Constant Prayer, by Robert Benson.  As before, it turned out to be a demanding exercise to read and review it that was far in excess of the value of the $12.99 cover price. Yet again the effort was well spent.  For it caused me to reconsider a topic I felt I had thoroughly visited before and a writing style I wouldn’t ordinarily be drawn to. To fulfill my obligation and give potential readers a good introduction to the book, I submit the review below:

  

BOOK REVIEW

Author: Robert Benson

Publisher: Thomas Nelson, Nashville, TN

Contributing Author(s): Forward by Phyllis Tickle, General Editor, Ancient Practices Series

ISBN: 978-0-8499-4603-5

PHYSICAL ATTRIBUTES:

Price: $12.99 USD

Reading Time: 3.5-4.5 hours

Format: Paperback

No. of Pages: 175 pages (forward 2, introduction 0, body 139, appendices 10, study guide 9, acknowledgements 0, glossary 170, biography 1, blank pages for notes 7)

Dimensions: 140 x 213 x 14 mm (5 1/2 x 8 3/8 x 9/16 in)

Weight: 185g (6.5 oz).

Cover Design: color cover by Casey Hooper

Illustrations: none

Maps/Inserts: none

Appendices:

            Appendix A: sample office: Morning Prayer

            Appendix B: additional resources

index: none

bibliography: yes

            biography: yes

            glossary: yes, rather good, but not comprehensive

study guide: yes

Other: acknowledgment, recommended reading, notes

                     

Other books by author:  The Echo Within: Finding Your True Calling, Digging In: Tending to Life in Your Own Backyard, Home By Another Way: Notes from the Caribbean, Living Prayer, Daily Prayer, A Good Life: Benedict's Guide to Everyday Joy, Venite: A Book of Daily Prayer, A Good Neighbor: Benedict's Guide to Community, The Body Broken: Answering God's Call to Love One Another, The Game: One Man, Nine Innings, A Love Affair with Baseball, That We May Perfectly Love Thee: Preparing Our Hearts for the Eucharist, The Night of The Child, Between The Dreaming and The Coming True: The Road

Rating 7/10

SUMMARY: This is a book in a series on ancient Christian practices and is focused on praying the offices or fixed-hour prayer.  It is written primarily from a liturgical viewpoint, but also explores a variety of other prayer related practices and viewpoints within protestant Christianity. The book is largely split between presenting a practical approach to praying the offices and recounting the author’s and others’ experience and observations in developing the habit of praying the offices. The material chiefly presumes Biblical and historically Jewish and Christian precedents and principles and draws almost exclusively from mainstream Christian sources. The author is a college educated but non-degreed professional writer with multiple books published on Christian and other topics.

REVIEW

First I want to say that this is, to date, some of the most elegantly simple and exquisitely written prose I have ever read. The several years reportedly spent on preparing the book are evident in its polished style and even topical flow. Robert Benson is a self described poet and writes with a delicate, literally apologetic style that distills about as much essence from a fairly routine vocabulary as I have ever seen. Being an engineer, I had hoped for a technically oriented manual on practical and effective prayer.  What I found was not disappointing but quite a different sort of book. As far as my needs go, the author could have condensed the material I consider useful to about one page. However, the self described poet uses 10 chapters over 150 pages to weave together a variety of things around this central subject.  It appears his method is to relate the subject to the reader by presenting it in the context of his own life and presumably that will provide the necessary connection.

About the core of a lightly historical and topically scriptural treatment of fixed hour prayer is a personal account of his experience with fixed hour prayer and life in general.  Interjected are some vignettes of other people’s approach to prayer and some brief philosophical discourses. I can summarize his essential comments on fixed hour prayer quiet succinctly as follows:

Based on the verse Psalm 119:164, fixed hour prayer (praying approximately every three hours in a 24 hour day) is a continually observed tradition dating back to the era of the Hebrew Prophets.  In the Christian church this takes the form of praying through a breviary (either formal or informal) which is a book of standardized prayers for each day, typically containing the following elements:

1. The collect – a formal prayer that summarizes the day
2. The canticle – a hymn of praise
3. The psalm – typically one of the 30 canonical psalms, cycled through each month
4. The scripture reading – a lesson derived from the bible
5. The response to the word – this may be silence, a hymn, a creed or other response
6. The prayers of the people – thanksgiving, petition or intercession as appropriate
7. The confession of sin
8. The Our Father prayer – typically and appropriately repeated only once per day
9. The blessing

The breviary typically but not necessarily follows an established church calendar with prayers composed to suit the given occasions. Two breviaries the author recommends are The Divine Hours and A Guide to Prayer.

Saying the office is a difficult discipline made particularly problematic by individual weaknesses and modern society’s densely packed and demanding schedules and other constraints. To overcome these challenges, the author offers some very straightforward advice:

Pick a practical time and place to pray, make it a habit, don’t do it alone and just do it. Also, he recommends using a breviary that is written for individual (as opposed to corporate or group) use and he gives several recommended titles. (Peer pressure seems to be one of his most effective devices.)

By way of motivation, the author promotes fixed hour prayer as providing benefit on two sides of the paradox whereby we offer our prayers as selfless service to God because He is Who He is, and yet we benefit because we are transformed through our prayers to become more Christ like and blessed with the incomparable joy of communion with Him.

Mr. Benson makes some very salient observations, one of which is that fixed hour prayer is a long standing tradition still practiced by liturgical Christian (e.g. Episcopal, Roman Catholic and Orthodox) churches as well as cults, Jews and other religions. He charges the protestant reformation with the decline of liturgical (and therefore fixed-hour) prayer in the church and attempts to link a recent decline in the evangelical church growth to the general neglect of this practice.  It’s an interesting theory which, while there is a historical correspondence, the author does not make a persuasive case for  true correlation.

After reading it, I find three major faults with this book (hence its rating of 7/10): first, the author deals very narrowly with the subject of continual prayer for a book of this length.  Second, the book is more a recounting of his own peripatetic spiritual journey than a useful, well structured guide to the practice.  Third, the whole tone of the book is weakly apologetic for both the author’s modest credentials and the mild efficaciousness of fixed-hour prayer. Another title for this book could be: “My Journey Through Praying the Offices and Other Unfinished Business.” If word pictures could become illustrations then this book would make a good travel album on Robert Benson’s Facebook page. The personal experience approach may work well with the narrow audience of depressed, divorced, dilettante poets by lacks the certainty, dynamism and purpose I hope for from an author claiming to share faith with the  apostles, martyrs and church fathers.

I would rather he had co-authored the book with the help of his mysterious friend “Bettie” mentioned in the book who’s prayers apparently were really efficacious and went far beyond the author’s experience of feeling connected to the One and being progressively transformed in his own person. Also, I believe the protestant reformation was largely about discarding wasteful and ineffective accretions to and perversions of the true practices of God’s people and regard that as a good thing. If fixed-hour prayer was an unintended victim of that general purge then it should be brought back in a way that matches St. Paul’s call to prayer in the 6th chapter of his epistle to the Ephesians:

12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places. ….18 With all prayer and petition pray at all times in the Spirit, and with this in view, be on the alert with all perseverance and petition for all the saints, 19 and pray on my behalf, that utterance may be given to me in the opening of my mouth, to make known with boldness the mystery of the gospel. (NASB)

This is a call to unceasing and unapologetic prayer with power and the aim to transform all of creation, not just ourselves! To me praying in the Spirit goes beyond reading from or memorizing a breviary.  It is something like what the Rev. Dwight Moody is reported to have said in answer to the question, “How much time do you typically spend in prayer?” 

“About ten minutes,” he replied.

“And how often do you pray,” he was asked.

“About every ten minutes.”

That is a type of continual prayer that pervades all of our waking hours and activities and is my ideal! I believe the continual prayer St. Paul wrote of is where prayer is always in our hearts and on our lips, inspired and guided by the Holy Spirit. Fixed-hour prayer can train and discipline a believer to do this better, but is no substitute for the real thing.  C. S. Lewis described his methods of praying as creating an image in his mind of the object and end of his prayers.  That too is a form of prayer that lends itself to continual prayer in a life that is lived in daily

In closing, this book is a gentle and literate introduction to a serious and demanding calling – continuous prayer.  If it helps to introduce the reader to the discipline of fixed hour prayer that can lead to a rich and dynamic relationship with the God Most High, then it will have done well.  I deeply appreciate the humble and reverent way in which Robert Benson presents the subject and this is very good.  This is a holy matter with eternal consequences. However, the book is best seen as an introduction to a vast and potent subject that should either be revisited by the author when he has furthered his spiritual journey (and perhaps finished his degree studies), or by someone like Bettie who can unveil to the reader the mystery of praying in the Spirit that St. Paul wrote about. I think combining Robert’s skill as a writer with Bettie’s skill in prayer would be a wonderful combination.

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through the BookSneeze®.com <http://BookSneeze®.com> book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 <http://www.access.gpo.gov/nara/cfr/waisidx_03/16cfr255_03.html> : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.

BOOK REVIEW - DEEP DARK AND DANGEROUS - not recommended

BOOK REVIEW – Deep Dark and Dangerous

Recently I was straightening up my daughter’s room and discovered an unfamiliar book.  I asked about it and discovered it had been a gift from one of her teachers at school.  Concerned that it looked like an unsuitable book for a Christian teenager, I took the book and read it to see what the content was.  I discovered that it was not a book that I want my daughter or any impressionable teenager to read.  I write a review here to provide other concerned parents with an informed criticism of the book so they may decide for themselves its suitability.

Author: Mary Dawning Hahn

Publisher: Sandpiper Books, Houghton Mifflin Harcourt, Boston, New York

Year Published: 2007

Category: Fiction, Ghost Stories

Technical Information: Paperback, 187 pages, no index, no illustrations, forward or introduction.

ISBN-13: 978-0-547-07645-4

Retail: $5.99 USD

Summary:  This is a teen genre ghost story about a young girl who vacations with her aunt at the family’s beach house that has been unused for decades.  A mysterious tragedy during her aunt’s and mother’s childhood resulted in an aversion to returning to visit the cottage. As an adult, the aunt goes back ostensibly to work on her paintings, but also with an unspoken desire to resolve issues related to the tragedy.  The ghost of a young girl who died in that tragedy comes back to haunt the family and manipulate them into bringing closure to the circumstances surrounding her death.

Main Characters:

Alison “Ali: Dwyer – niece and central character

Dulci Thornton Madison – Alison’s aunt

Teresa “Sissy” Abbot – ghost

Emma Madison – Alison’s younger cousin and charge

Claire Thornton/Dwyer – Alison’s mother

Edith – the doll

Jeanine Reynold Donaldson – a neighbor familiar with the events

Setting: Gull Cottage on Sycamore Lake near Websters Cove, Maine

General plot.  In 1977, Teresa Abbot is playing with the two Thornton sisters, Dulci and Claire.  A mean prank by Teresa centered around the doll, Edith, leads the three girls to take a boat out on lake Sycamore  Lake at night where they quarrel over the doll.  The doll and Teresa end up in the lake and drift away from the boat.  Dulci and Claire drift back to shore and return to their home without telling anyone what happened to Teresa, who drowns.

Thirty years later Dulci returns with Allison as a babysitter for her niece Emma, who befriends an uninvited visitor who calls herself “Sissy.”  Sissy turns out to be the ghost of Teresa Abbot, who is still mean and prone to trouble making.  At first the visitors think Sissy is just a local girl, until she reveals her real identity to Alison and alternately coerces and cajoles her to bring Dulci and Claire to admit their complicity in her death and help recover Teresa’s remains for proper burial.  After considerable suspense, a convoluted plot development and other complications this is accomplished.  Theresa and her family have closure, Claire and Dulci make amends and Alison and Emma escape further hauntings.

The story is well written, follows a cohesive and logical story line and is successful in holding the attention of the reader.  As a Christian parent I find the book objectionable because although it makes an effort at addressing the need for resolution and justice and has an overtly moral theme, it dabbles in occult subjects and does not address important issues through Biblical principles.

Teresa’s meanness and disregard for her own and others' safety is in fact what results in her death by accidental drowning. At no point in the story is Teresa apologetic or repentant for what she did.  Nor does she admit any role in the circumstances of her death, but squarely blames the two sisters, Dulci and Claire, who are in fact Teresa's victims.  The story assumes that the appearance of Teresa as a live (though subtly unnatural) girl is a plausible phenomena and gets no technical explanation.  This clearly contradicts scriptural principles that the dead do not communicate with the living but are only impersonated by unclean spirits.  Moreover, during the development of the relationship between Alison and Teresa, Alison actually invites the ghost to sleep with her in her bed at night and Alison consults “Sissy” in multiple instances.

The practice of consulting with the spirit of a dead person, in this case to learn of the circumstances of their death and the location of their remains, even if for ostensibly good purposes, is clearly occultist in nature and prohibited. Inviting the spirit to enter the home and then sleeping with it is both a dangerous form of spiritism and perverse behavior.  It suggests that such spirits may be placated by normalizing them into household life when in fact they should be promptly exorcised.

This is a dangerous and objectionable book and should not be read or kept by Christians, especially youth.  The objection comes because it portrays a perverse and unscriptural approach to resolving an accidental death and consequently aberrant behavior. The story also demonstrates a tolerance, even approval for occultist practices such as consulting spirits of the dead and placating them through ceremonial ritual.  It is dangerous, especially for teen readers, because it not only is wasteful of reading time when so much better literature is available, but it can lead to the mindset that ghosts may be consulted and even consorted with for potential benefit and without consequence. The story also ignores the real source of resolution which is admission of sin and repentance with restitution (when possible).  It is especially dangerous because the good quality of the writing provides an attractive and persuasive vehicle for its perverse and erroneous content.

As an final point of interest, the story seems to imply that the bizarre artwork of Dulci is precipitated by her troubled conscience, but any change in her behavior as a result of her admission of complicity in Teresa’s death is not discussed. My final word on this is that the book should be kept out of Christian homes and not circulated.

THE FUN THINGS - CIVIL WAR REENACTING

I write about a variety of ways we cut expenses to manage during the current recession.  Many of those things are mundane, some involve hard work, and a few are downright unpleasant.  But that doesn't mean we don't have fun.  In fact, we do have some truly memorable and exciting adventures.  One of them began last year on 10/02/2010 when we went to watch reenactors recreate the historic civil war battle of Fort Crawford.  A link to more information on that event is given below:

BATTLE OF FORT CRAWFORD 2010

We watched in excited fascination as modern reenactors in period costume with reproduction small arms and cannon battled back and forth for several hours across the hilly fields of Bill and Ann Ainsworth's ranch.  Over 500 reenactors entertained some 2000 visitors, and 1100 school children from four local school districts.  The battles were truly dramatic with 19 cannons and about 50 cavalry.  Infantry squared off in battle lines punctuated by the booming of cannon.  Charges set in the ground and water simulated the fall of heavy munitions and acrid clouds of smoke from spent black powder drifted across the fields. There was even a horse drawn field ambulance that dashed about retrieving simulated wounded soldiers.

After the battle, we toured the reenactors' shops and camp, learning first-hand something of the rigors experienced and inventiveness exercised by those 19th century soldiers and camp followers.  At the end of the tour we stopped to admire the artillery and were regaled by "Captain Buster" James Horn.  He mixed history with anecdotes, his personal experiences and an invitation to join the activity to persuade us to come back for more.

So we did. 

My daughter and I went last weekend to Mansfield State Historic Site near Mansfield, LA where Cleburn's Division were holding a mandatory artillery school.  Using artillery in reenacting is actually significantly dangerous (and expensive) business.  To use them in state parks, Louisiana requires reenanctors to be properly trained and certified to exacting standards.  We went to take the training and learn more about reenacting.  Since this is the 150th anniversary of the American Civil War, it's become a major activity across the nation, even attracting international attention!

MANSFIELD STATE HISTORIC SITE 

We arrived for the class on the morning of the 12th, and had a thorough lecture on safety and etiquette with some humor and cautionary tales thrown in.  The park office's small auditorium was packed to overflowing with a group of primarily middle aged men with some women and youth.  Most were in period clothing, the majority being a wide spectrum of Confederate military uniforms.  The red kepis of artillery men dominated.

After the classroom lecture, there was a graphic demonstration of the potential hazards of loading and firing cannon.  A cannon was set up in the large open field before the park office and the trainees made a wide semicircle behind the cannon.  A heavy steel T-post was driven deep into the ground before the cannon muzzle.  A thick, fire-resistant glove was stuffed with a raw chicken, one piece of which was placed on the touch hole of the cannon.  The glove was then securely tied to the post.  The cannon was loaded, and after a dramatic pause and a stern warning, was fired point blank at the glove with a charge of about 1 3/4 lbs black powder and no projectiles.

After the roar faded and the smoke cleared, the bare T-post was visible, burned and bent like a bow by the blast.  Eager onlookers spread out on the field and retrieved small, charred fragments of the glove that smelled strongly of burned saltpeter. No trace of the chicken was found.  It had evaporated!  The piece on the touch hole had been badly blackened and burned too by the hot gasses spewing from that small orifice. This is what would happen to a hand carelessly placed in front of or on top of the cannon when it is discharged.  Since a single serious injury could shut down an event, not to mention cripple or kill a participant, they are to be strictly avoided.

For the rest of the morning we trained on how to load and fire a muzzle loading cannon.  Without actually using any ammunition, we cycled through the seven positions required to service the cannon.  The details of this training can be found at the Cleburn Division website:

CLEBURNE'S DIVISION

Loading and firing a cannon was much more complicated than I had imagined.  It takes real teamwork to carry it out correctly and safely.  My daughter enjoyed it and bragged about the experience to her friends who had declined to come with us.  Some of them regretted missing the unique opportunity!  I can scarcely imagine the discipline needed to carry out that routine under fire during the chaos of a real battle.

Afterwards we spent the afternoon resting and then enjoyed some lively recreation around the campfire after dark.  The reenactors gathered to sing songs, exchange stories and enjoy good food and drink.  It was a little bawdy for my teenage daughter, who tuned out a good portion with her ipod.  There was a full spectrum of people and no lack of colorful opinions.  All was exchanged in good humor with southern hospitality and generosity on full display.  It was about as close to period camp life as one could hope for.

We spent a very cool night in a walled tent provided by our host.  Even a modern propane heater didn't completely chase the late winter chill away.  As I lay in the cold darkness my thoughts went to the museum displays of artifacts and letters from those who had battled here over a century before.  Many of those who died in the battle of Mansfield are still buried here.  It was a privilege to stay on that hallowed ground and be in the presence of brave and selfless men who had fought for their principles under such terrible conditions.  The loss to our nation of such good men and material was tragic and the personal losses were grievous beyond measure. I hope that preserving the memory of such events preserves for future generations such good as resulted from that titanic struggle.

THE LITTLE THINGS - THE AMAZING POTATO AND FRIENDS

One of the upsides of the budget crunch is that the temptation to buy junk foods is greatly diminished when the cost/benefit ratio is factored in.  This is especially true of potato chips and popcorn. However, I miss those snacks and from time to time feel a powerful desire to munch.  

The colorful bags of popcorn and chips in the store are very enticing, but very dear.  Typically they go for $2 or more for a 6 oz. package.  Top grade steak is in that price range, and is both tastier and more nutritious.  So, reluctantly, I pass those by.  However, the basic ingredients, potatoes, popcorn kernels, salt and oil are still very affordable.  In fact, I can grow or make all three of those at home.

The main ingredient, potatoes can be bought for $1 a pound, or even half that for seed potatoes (in season) at the garden store.  Popcorn is even cheaper by the pound for kernels, and you can grow more from a handful of uncooked kernels, roughly $2 per lb.  Oil can be bought for about $3 for 32 oz. Salt is cheap, about $1 for 26 oz. and if you are desperate, can be obtained from wood ashes by filtration. 

Popcorn is easy to make.  Just heat up about 2 tablespoons of oil in a pan on medium high on the stove, add about 1/4 cup popcorn kernels, cover and gently shakes until the kernels stop popping - about 3-5 minutes. Shake salt and other seasonings (I like grated Parmesan cheese, rosemary and melted butter or olive oil on mine) on the popped kernels and serve. Since salt as it comes from the store is too coarse to stick well to the popcorn, I put it in the spice (or coffee) grinder until it resembles confectioner's sugar. That seems to work better.

Potato chips are a little trickier.  I grew up when the brand Wise potato chips dominated the market that has since succumbed (at least locally) to Lays and various corn chip makers.  They have their following, but for me, Wise was the standard chip and remains my favorite.

To make something like the Wise chip, heat a quality vegetable oil at medium heat on the stove.  Peel and slice whole red potatoes about 3/32 in thick, as uniformly as reasonably possible.  If available, put the slices in a wire basket that will fit in the pot of oil.  Otherwise, carefully toss the slices by hand into the hot oil. The slices should boil vigorously as the moisture in the potato turns to steam.  Watch them carefully and periodically (about every 1-2 minutes) pull out a sample chip.  When they are crisp and lightly browned at the edges, remove and place on paper towel.  Sort through them and toss back any that are still soft or very white. Remove and discard any burnt ones (eating them is OK). When cool enough to handle, place in a brown paper bag with plenty of salt (about 1 tablespoon for a lunch bag sized batch) and shack vigorously but gently (to distribute the salt evenly without smashing the chips.) A metal spatula or spaghetti spoon is handy for removing the chips from the oil (don't use plastic for obvious reasons).

Once you have made chips, it's a small step to making fries.  I can't believe the fast food restaurants that charge $1 or more for a little 2 oz. bag of hot French fries.  I used to enjoy buying them from little kiosks in Europe on winter days for as little as $0.10 a bag.  It was such a treat to enjoy the fresh, hot, salty snacks with snow swirling around my face as I bit through the crisp exterior to the creamy inside that steamed gently in the cold air. They were wrapped in cleverly folded pieces of newspaper and thickly cut compared  to McD's famous spuds. But they were delicious! Making my own brings back those pleasant memories. I figure a serving of fries take one 8 ox. potato, about 2 tbls of oil and about 2 grams of salt.  That's less than $0.65 per serving.  I've heard that a secret to McD's famous fries is beef tallow.  I've experimented with a variety of tallows, including beef, pork and venison.  Plain oil suits me just fine and there are no finer potatoes than what you can grow yourself!.

It's great to enjoy a treat like these now and then and some real satisfaction comes from knowing you grew it yourself and the profits stay local!

THE LITTLE THINGS - HOME MADE WINE, CHEESE AND CRACKERS

During challenging times like the, one of my favorite comfort foods (along with chocolate and peanut butter) is cheese and crackers with a cool glass of red wine.  One of the obstacles to this is the price.  Crackers can be bought for under $2 a box, but cheese is at $5 a pound and wine at $6 or so per750 ml bottle.  In a week it is easy to spend $10 or more on such luxuries and by the end of the month the funds equivalent to the highly necessary telephone service are spent.  I can't give up the telephone and feel these small treats are near necessities since they qualify as food and drink.

Therefore, I deceide to make them myself.

CRACKER RECIPE

:

Step 1: Ingredients

• 3 1/4 cups Mixed Flour*
• 3/4 tsp Salt

• 1/3 cup Olive Oil
• 1 cup Water

• 2 tblsp ground rosemary

For the dough, I've use white flour and various mixtures of white and whole wheat, oatmeal, rice and other grains.  I found that more than 1/3 whole wheat and any self rising flour were not very palatable.  Corn meal sprinkled on the baking sheet helped prevent sticking, but didn't make satisfactory crackers if used in the dough. To make flour from oatmeal and whole grains I used an electric coffee grinder and sifted the results for consistently fine flour.

Step 2: Prepare the Dough

Mix dry ingredients thoroughly. Add in wet ingredients and mix with a fork until dough is uniform in texture and add water or flour until dough is not sticky or crumbly. Knead a few times just until fully combined and form into a single lump. 

Step 3: Roll Out

Working in small batches, roll out the dough into very thin sheets on a well floured breadboard or counter top with a rolling pin.  A pasta machine does well to if you have one.

For the first batch I suggest trying a couple of different thicknesses to see what you like. For our baking conditions, 3/32 of an inch does fairly well. 

Step 4: Prep

To prep the crackers for baking, score into cracker sized pieces with a serrated pizza wheel or a fork to create parting lines and prevent large bubbles.

Sprinkle with coarse salt and ground rosemary.

Step 5: Bake

Bake at 350F for 15-20 minutes or until well browned. Transfer the bakes dough to a cooling rack immediately. The crackers easily snap apart along the score lines.

That was the easy part.

Making cheese was a bit more involved.  Thankfully our local supermarket had a sale on one of my favorites: whole milk at $2.24 per gallon!   

Rennet is essential for curling the cheese and can be bought online at:

WHERE TO BUY RENNET TABLETS

There is also a recipe on that website for hard cheese there which I give in modified version below:

BASIC HARD CHEESE

by Dr. David Fankhauser, for Redco Foods 10 June 2003

One gallon of milk yields about one pound of cheddar-style cheese. You may use skimmed or whole milk for this cheese, but whole milk makes a richer cheese. This cheese has no added color. 

Ingredients to turn one gallon of milk into one pound of cheese:

• 1 gallon fresh milk (the fresher the milk, the more predictable the cheese)
• 1/4 cup active cultured buttermilk (1/2 cup plain yogurt will also work yogurt must contain live and active culture)
• 1/2 tablet rennet (1/4 tablet will work, but takes a bit longer to coagulate, see step 5)
• salt

Required Apparatus:

• thermometer, reading range 0 to 225F (-10 to 110C)
• whisk or other effective stirring and mixing device 
• two sterilized stainless steel 4-6 quart pots, one with a lid. (A thick metal bottom prevents burning.)
• a long bladed knife (9-10 inches long)
• 8" strainer
• A large handkerchief, sterilized by boiling and drying
• A cheese pressing frame (4" diameter, 5" tall can, about 20 oz, ends removed, save one end for a follower)

1. INOCULATE THE MILK: The evening before you plan to make cheese, warm 1 gallon of fresh milk to 68F (20C) in the sterilized pot. Thoroughly blend in 1/4 cup buttermilk to inoculate. Cover inoculated milk with the sterilized lid.

2. INCUBATE OVER NIGHT: Let sit out at room temperature overnight

3. WARM THE MILK: The next morning, gently warm the milk up to 86F (30C). Meanwhile, dissolve 1/2 tablet of Rennet in 1/4 cup of cold water.

4. ADD THE RENNET: Stir the dissolved rennet into the 86F milk to mix thoroughly. Cover, let sit undisturbed for an hour or more in a warm place in the room. Be patient. Do not disturb the milk until it has coagulated.

5. ACHIEVE A CLEAN BREAK: Test for a "clean break" (completed action of rennet): Probe a clean finger into the milk and lift. If it has gelled enough to break cleanly as the finger is lifted, go to next step. If the milk is liquid or semi-gelatinous and softly flows across your finger, let sit until a clean break is obtained. It may take as long as 1-2 hours more. Be patient, do NOT disturb the milk.

6. CUT THE CURD: Once a clean break is achieved, cut the curd with a long knife: begin at one edge of the pot and cut straight to bottom. Cut repeatedly parallel to first cut, but increasing the angle of the knife until reaching 45 degrees at the other side of pot. Rotate the pot a quarter of a turn, cut as before. Repeat the rotating and cutting two more times, yielding 1/2 inch cubes of curd.

7. SET THE CURD: Place the pot over a low fire, stir curd with cleaned bare hand by reaching down to bottom, gently lifting and stirring. Cut larger curds as they appear. Do not mash or squeeze. Continue stirring for 15 min to prevent the curds from clumping together or overheating at the bottom. Warm the curds to 92F (34C) for softer curd cheese, or as high as 102F (39C) for very firm cheese.

8. SEPARATE CURDS AND WHEY: Stir and maintain 92F until curd has contracted to consistency of firm scrambled eggs. Remove from stove and let sit for 10 minutes. The curds should sink in whey. Pour off the whey through a strainer and save for ricotta if you wish. Place the curds in a large bowl.

9. ADD SALT: Sprinkle two teaspoons salt over curds, working with hands to mix in. Pour off any additional whey.

10. PRESS THE CHEESE: Line a smooth-sided 4" x 5" tin can from which both ends have been removed with a sterile large white handkerchief. Place the still-warm curds into the cloth, press into the can. Fold the corners of the cloth over top of the curds and cover with the cut-out end of the can. Place a heavy weight on top to press down the curds. Let the milk culture sit at room temperature for 12 hours or so.

11. CURE THE CHEESE: The next morning, remove and unwrap the cheese from the press. Rub the outside with salt, re-wrap with a fresh handkerchief and place on a rack in the refrigerator. Replace "bandage" when it becomes wet (daily at first). When a dry yellowish rind forms (about one to two weeks in the refrigerator), dip in melted wax, store in refrigerator for about a month (if you can wait that long). The longer you wait, the sharper the cheese.

Avoid aluminum pots because the acid will dissolve the aluminum.

Sterilize the pot just before use by pouring 1/2 inch of water in the bottom, covering, and bring to a rolling boil for at least five minutes. Pour out the water, replace sterile lid, and keep sterilized pot covered until you are ready to add the milk. 

My experience with cheese making was that holding the temperature constant on the stove top was a real challenge as it varied with room temperature and finding the sweet spot on the electric range control took some experimentation.

I had most of the necessary items on hand except the thermometer and the cloth.  The thermometer was for sale in the supermarket for about $1.89, and a clean cotton sheet cut into round circles 20" in diameter fit the other part of the bill.  I traced the circle using a round baking sheet, black sharpie and scissors.  The rennet was ordered online and took about a week to arrive in the mail.

Things went pretty much according to plan, except that in the coolness of our poorly heated house, the curds didn't form as firmly as desired.  I turned up the heat on the stove (as if making ricotta cheese) and that solved the issue.

Since most metal food cans these days are stamped out of one sheet of metal and then have the lids pressed on, it was difficult to find a can which was easy to open at both ends.  I have a nice can opener that opens the seam rather than cuts through the lid, and this makes a nice can to use as a cheese mold.  I found that cans of evaporated milk still have seams on both ends typically, and used these for the molds.  Wooden circles cut to size and placed at each end between a well scrubbed and sterilized c-clamp completed the cheese press.

When removing the curds from the whey, I found that a small strainer was very helpful too.  This left me with nearly a gallon of whey.  Not wanting to waste it by pouring it down the drain, I ladled it into the water dish for the dog that happily lapped it up.

It took about a week for the cheese to harden in the refrigerator after the whey was pressed out, then, unwrapped, another two weeks to harden.  The result was quite tasty.  I used some cheese before it hardened like cheese spread and it too was quite good on the crackers.

The wine was another matter.  Retail grapes are expensive and pressing store-bought grapes is not a solution if cost savings are desired.  I planted some grape vines in the yard last spring, but it will be a couple years yet before they are mature enough to harvest.

Thankfully, East Texas has a native grape, the Muscadine that grows wild.  A friend who already had wine making equipment and I went found a very large vine by the roadside and picked about 100 lbs of fresh grapes during the midsummer season.  We made the wine approximately according to the following steps:

http://www.weekendbrewer.com/Wine_making_basic_steps.htm

Wine Making Basic Steps

1) Clean all grapes de-stem and place them into a coarse cloth or nylon bag. Set the bag in a clean, sterilized 5 gallon bucket or one with 20-25% more capacity than the volume of juice anticipated, and squeeze the bag by hand until the only a little juice dribbles from the pulp.  Give the pulp to the chickens and wash the bag,

2) Test the density and sugar content of the juice and add water and or sugar to achieve the desired strength.

Example: If the juice and water you test with your hydrometer is at 1.040 then ADD sugar to bring the starting gravity up to 1.085 - 1.090   for wine with a finished alcohol of 12 to 12-1/2 % A/v. If you want a lower alcohol, add less sugar.

3) Test for acid balance. Follow the instructions from the Acid test kit

White Wine .65 - .75 Tartaric  /  4.2 - 4.9 ppt. Sulfuric
Red Wine .60 - .65 Tartaric  /  3.9 - 4.2 ppt  Sulfuric
Fruit Wine .55 - .65 Tartaric  /  3.6 - 4.2 ppt  Sulfuric

Add 1 ea. level Tsp. of ACID Blend to raise the Acid level .15 (15%) Tartaric or 1 ppt Sulfuric to one gallon of the juice.

Excessive Acidity will cause the wine to have a sour taste and odor.

Note: Muscadine grape are pretty tart, and I didn’t have to add any tartaric acid.

4) Juice cut with water will require nutrients to be added back. On an average add 1-tsp. per gallon of Yeast Nutrient (Diammonium Phosphate)

Fruits contain pectin in the cellular structure to retain their juice. The pectin enzymes break down the cells to release the juice and flavor. Also pectin will cause a cloudy finish to your wine. Pectin enzyme will clear the wine by breaking down the pectin's. It is best added before fermentation.  In liquid form add 3 drops per gallon. In dry form add 1/2 tsp. per gallon.  Alternatively, filter through charcoal to remove the cloudiness.

5) Your fresh fruit will have wild yeast and bacteria. An easy way to get ride of these contaminants is to add 1 each crushed Campden tablet per each gallon. Let the juice stand for 24 to 36 hours before adding the commercial yeast. Note that Campden Tablets contain Sodium Metabisulphite which makes the taste somewhat bitter. And adds suphites

If you are allergic to sulfur, and do not want to use Campden Tablets, then you will need to bring the juice just to a boil and then cool it covered (If you don't want to lose a significant portion of the natural aroma and flavor). Cool to 75 degrees and then add the yeast starter.

6) A good time to start your commercial wine yeast is while you a waiting for the Campden tablets take care of the wild yeast and bacteria. That is, start the yeast culture about 18-24 hours before adding the yeast.

 Yeast Starter: Boil 1-1/2 cups of water and 1/2 cup of the juice with one tablespoon of sugar for 3-4 minutes. Let this sugar mix cool to 75 degrees. (You may place it in the freezer for a few minutes to aid in cooling).  After the mix has cooled, sprinkle the yeast on top. Cover and let the yeast work for 18-24 hours. Lightly swirl the yeast mix to put all the yeast back into suspension before adding to the wine must.

A very easy way to start your yeast is to use a 750ml wine bottle. Sanitize the bottle and fill it with the cooled yeast starter. Add the yeast to the bottle and seal it with a #2 stopper and an air lock. The starter will start to ferment in a sanitary container that is easy to pour into your main fermenter.

7) After adding the yeast starter slurry to your wine juice. We recommend fermenting your wine in a closed fermenter. A clean, sterilized food grade bucket with a matching lid is a good way to start. Make sure the lid is airtight. Drill a small hole in the lid for a rubber stopper to fit snugly. Insert an air lock into the stopper or a piece of tubing long enough to go into the stopper and over the side of the bucket and below it one foot (approx. 2 feet long). With one end of the tubing in the stopper, that is in the lid. Place the open end of the tubing into a half filled gallon jug of clean water. (used plastic milk jugs work well). This is called a Water Lock. It will allow the CO₂ to escape but no air to come in as the CO₂ bubbles exit the fermenter into the water jug and the water prevents air from being drawn back into the fermenter through the rubber hose.

8) Make sure your fermenter is in an area that will keep a constant temperature and not exceed about 75 deg F. After the CO₂ has started, keep an eye on the water jug. If it starts to get to full or dirty, replace it with clean water. With the lid still tight on the fermenter, swirl the fermenter to keep the must blended.

9) After approximately five days the wine fermentation will start to slow down. When the fermentation starts to slow, wine is ready to transfer to the secondary fermenter. The specific gravity of the wine at this time should be 1.040 -1.020.

NOTE: The secondary fermenter IS ALWAYS the size of the final batch. Excessive air space can contaminate your wine and cause it to turn to vinegar. It is recommended that a glass container be used as your secondary fermenter. Glass will not leach chemicals that can affect the taste and quality of the wine as plastic may do as the alcohol content rises to 10-12-1/2 percent.

Transfer the wine out of the bucket by siphoning into the glass fermenter. Make sure the sediment in the bucket stays in the bucket and does not get sucked up in the siphon while transferring the wine. Always transfer the wine down the sides or fill the glass fermenter from the bottom up. Never splash the wine. Slashing will start oxidation and cause off flavors.  

10) Let the wine stand for 3-4 weeks or until fermentation is completely finished. The wine can age longer if it is kept sealed. Or, you may want to stabilize the wine (kill all of the yeast) and add the finings now. Before stabilizing the wine, take a hydrometer reading. It should be 1.000 or lower. If the reading is 1.000-1.005, and you like sweet wine you can stop the fermentation at that point.

11) The fermentation can be stopped by killing the yeast,  This is done by adding again 1 each Campden Tablet for each gallon of wine. Crush the Campden well and add to the wine with the finings. Stir your wine very well to bring the CO₂ up to the top of the fermenter. You will be stirring up the small layer of sediment from the bottom.

Important: If you have more than 1/8 inch of sediment in the bottom of your fermenter and your wine is cloudy. You should first siphon off the sediment and then transfer it back into the glass fermenter. Do this BEFORE you add the Campden tablets and finings.

You may have to stir the wine two or three times in a two day period to remove the CO₂ or degas the wine.   After degassing and adding the Campden tablets and finings, let your wine stand for 2-3 weeks.  Finings will remove most or all the small matter floating in your wine. A Fining popular with white wine is Sparkolloid powder. Others include Isinglass, bentonite and gelatin. Note: clean cat litter is a source of bentonite clay.

12) Transfer your wine off of any sediment into another container. If you are going to bottle the wine at this point, and the wine is not to dry for your taste, then proceed. This is the time to sweeten the wine if that is desired. You can bottle some of the wine as is or add a sweetener to the remaining wine. Add potassium sorbate (1/4 tsp. per gallon) to your wine to prevent renewed fermentation before you add the sweetener. To sweeten your wine we recommend for five gallons removing One cup of your wine. Add to the one cup, 2 cups of sugar and bend well. Add 4 tablespoons per gallon or sweeten to taste. Remember you can bottle part of the batch dry, slightly sweeten the batch and bottle more. And if a desert style wine is desired, add more sweetener to the remaining wine to suite taste.

13) A easy way to sanitize your corks is using One Campden tablet to a 1/2 gallon of hot water (not boiling). Let the corks soak in the Campden water for 20-30 minutes. Always make sure your bottles are sanitized before filling.

14) When corking. The length of the cork times 2 equals the amount of space left in the bottle. If your cork is 1-1/2 inches long then the space in your bottle should be 3 inches before you start to insert the cork.

15) If you are going to store your wine in a lighted area, it is best to use a dark bottle. But if you store your wine out of light use any color or clear bottle you have.

END OF INSTRUCTIONS

I ended up with about fifteen gallons of a drinkable wine.  The muscadine grapes gave it a strong flavor that was an acquired taste.  I added considerable sugar too, so it has about 12-13% alcohol content and was pretty potent.  Besides being cheap and strong, it isn’t very popular so I get to drink it all myself.

We also had a good crop of watermelons this past summer.  I made a few bottles of wine from them and added lemon juice as was recommended by one other experimenter.  In a few months I’ll give that arty too.  Meanwhile I will continue to try to improve on what’s been done and report on any significant successes.

Easting and drinking my own wine and cheese was a laborious process, but well worth the expense and effort.  The quality, efficiency and cost were not competitive with an off-the shelf purchase initially, but that’s to be expected when there’s a learningin curce to be climbed.  What I did produce what healthy, tasty and satisfied my need for comfort food.  Moreover, I derived a lasting satisfaction knowing I had made it without the usual compromises involved in business decisions such as exploitation, abuse or pollution.  Moreover, now I have all the equipment, ingredients and know-how to do it again.  And I expect to improve on all the above with each process cycle.  Eventually I hope to be able to produce these things in the flavors nad to the quality standards I prefer.  Then I expect to have the full satisfaction possible from these little things.